Sex, The Importance Of Being Sexual, Not Earnest

I appeal to married men and women at this time. Sex is an important part of your life, it's a plain fact. Keep it alive and going strong from day one. Sex is more than an act, it bonds you together physically and spiritually. You may say, hey no problem, if you are newlyweds. Alas, as time goes by and babies come and grow, things definitely change. Most couples who stay for the long haul, (and that is what marriage SHOULD be about), have some dry spells. DO NOT let these dry spells sabotage your marriage. Stay the course and work on your sex life. Women most likely have the biggest struggle. I know women are sick of the books espousing, putting on the sexy negligees and seducing their husbands but there is some meat, (excuse the expression), to this. You have to be dedicated in keeping your sex life alive.  

Women, I realize we go through different phases in our lives, babies, menopause, alien metamorphoses or whatever. This aside, giving our men what they want and crave is not only good for a marriage, it fulfills a deep spiritual alliance. Men often times express their love sexually. We are sexual creatures by nature and we can not let a lethargic attitude upset the balance in marriage. I guess in plain words, don't say no to him even if you aren't in the mood. If your man is any good, a few maneuvers will have you squirming like a snake.

Men, you have a great part in this as well. Don't be a jerk. She is not going to look like a twenty-one year old after having two babies. Don't be critical, be encouraging. Even if she doesn't look that hot at the moment, she can again with your help. Remember, you are in this for the LONG HAUL. Women are capable of incredible feats. We can turn things around quite well if we put our minds to it. We just need a loving partner that spurs us on, not a overgrown teenager, looking at every good looking woman that passes by. That kind of behavior erodes your partner's desires toward you as well as her confidence in herself.

Make a decision to have sex twice a week or whatever number you BOTH agree on. Stick to this even if this idea offends your spontaneous nature. Believe me your man will not worry about this because he will be happy. You can bloody well put red marks on the calendar and he won't give a rats ass, as long as you follow through. The important thing is that you both connect in this way on a regular basis.

Share Your Man

Rick and Jay are going hiking and decide to call Andy. They haven't seen much of Andy since he met Ashley. Rick whips out the old cell phone and goes for it. Andy answers and starts to hem and haw when asked to join the jolly hikers. Well I guess we could go although Ash doesn't really like hiking. Rick suggests that Andy come alone. Andy is reluctant to even suggest this to Ashley. The whole thing is a mess as far as Rick and Jay are concerned. They make some comment about Andy being on a tight leash and laugh as they decide to blow Andy off.

Many men know the signs of the overbearing babe. She does not like to share her man with anyone, no with friends, parents or anyone else who might occupy his time. She tags along inappropriately at guy type functions. She gets pissy when he goes out with his friends. She seems insecure and demanding.

Women, do you want your man to turn out like the Paul Rudd character in I Love You, Man, kind of wimpy and effeminate because he never hangs with other guys.  Eventually, you will kill the man that excited you in the first place and you'll be looking for Fabio. You want the dude who slays the giant bug, the one who hunts down and eliminates the rat. You do not want him standing on the chair next to you screaming when the rat darts out at you. 

Guys, you need to explain to your woman that you love her and she has nothing to fear. Tell her it is healthy to spend some time with your bros doing the masculine stuff that makes you the man you are. Be reasonable about the amount of time spent without her. If she fights you about it and still won't share, you might think about your decision to be with her in the first place.

Complain, Complain, Complain

Sitting with a group of women at a retreat I was shocked to hear them complain endlessly about their husbands. Trying to redirect the conversation was not successful. This kind of behavior is all too common at family functions as well as other gatherings. One woman will start to criticize her husband, then another will launch on how her husband is even more of a jerk. It seems to set off a game of who's husband is the most annoying. Why do women, (and some men) talk smack about their spouse?

Most of these women love their men but have fallen into a bad pattern. They have been together with their man for a while and somehow the courtesies they afford acquaintances do not reach their spouse. It is time for dwelling on what is praiseworthy about the one we chose to share our lives with. Talking positively about your spouse is good for the relationship. It has a spiritual aspect that is overlooked.

My husband is handsome, smart, romantic and yes sometimes annoying. I find it nice to bring up his good qualities every chance I get. I am sure I have let out an occasional gripe but not very often. It is easy to slip into a bad pattern of bitching about the husband. It takes practice and effort to change this cycle. I say it is a venture well worth it. The benefits that come from praising your love are many. Take that first step and you will see for yourselves.

Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings

Women feel, men act. Men don't seem to understand this about their wives and girlfriends. While the woman is expounding about her issue, the man is analyzing, offering solutions and becoming frustrated at the woman's negative response. She does not want a solution, she wants to express her feelings. Many times she knows the answer to her problem, she just has a different agenda.

The men who do not understand this are in for a miserable ride. They pull their hair out as they listen to the dramatic stories weaved by their women. They know the answer to her problem and are ready to act. Maybe, they are even ready to kick someone's a_s to right an injustice done to the fair maiden. Meanwhile, their lady has expended all her energy and is shocked at his testosterone laden response. She does not know that she is on one planet and he is on another.

Men and women, realize this difference and accept it. Let her vent, offer your solutions but don't get frustrated when she continues to spew. Women, let your man be a man. He will want to ride in to right any wrongs inflicted upon you. Be clear about your femininity and about the fact that we women sometimes just want our men to hear our feelings.

Simple Creatures

Ladies, men are simple creatures. Simple does not mean dumb, or so says Oprah.

Most men are simple in the fact that it doesn’t take much to figure one out, to see beyond the surface and recognize what their motives, intentions, ambitions, and desires are. Most men are not complex in the sense that their way of communicating, responding, reacting, and dealing with certain relationships issues are the same. Men are not as complicated creatures as women are for the most part, and that is something that has been understood for ages. If you were to compare the two in mathematical terms men are Basic math or two plus two types of individuals, whereas women are Calculus, Geometry, or Trigonometry (and in some cases all three).

Case in point, a man is staring over at his wife with "a certain look." She instantly says, "well I can see you are still mad at me about yesterday." The husband cannot remember what happened yesterday. She continues, "I don't know why it is always my fault. You should realize I am under a lot of stress. How can you treat me this way when you know I try so hard. Well you could at least say something, you know I am feeling terrible." The husband finally gets a word in and says, "honey I'm hungry I was just wondering what we were having for dinner."

You might think this is a funny story and it is but a true one. Women read too much into looks or comments that men make. Women are emotional creatures. They let feelings dictate their words and actions in most situations. If men keep this in mind they have a good chance at preventing a potential argument. A calm attitude or even a little humor can de-escalate the growing tension between you and your lady. Women, try to realize that a weird look or insensitive comment is sometimes just that and does not rate a war. It is time for us to accept men as simple creatures and try not to make them into hairy girls.

Be A Gentleman

She buys something new to wear and takes hours to get her makeup just right. When you pick her up you are blown away at how beautiful she looks and tell her so. After giving the valet your keys and walking into a swanky restaurant you feel confident at the wonderful time you will both have. As you settle into a booth with an ocean view a gorgeous waitress comes up to greet you. She smiles at you with some interest and you suddenly feel like Brad Pitt. Maybe it is a blond at the other table that bats her eyes seductively. You are too friendly with the waitress or keep glancing over at the blond to see if she is looking at you. The outcome will be the same, you are in for an expensive hellish night. Women hate this scenario. They find it demeaning and insulting and either react immediately or push it down only to give it to you later. You need to be respectful and resist temptation. It may be nice to be admired by a great looking babe, but if you care for your lady you need to show restraint. She wants all your attention. She wants to feel special. With the economy the way it is, expensive date nights are getting fewer and father between. Don't be a cad and ruin what should be a wonderful and romantic memory for the both of you.

Don't Interrupt

You have a rapt audience as you are telling your story. You are enjoying the buildup and just as you get to the good part when your girlfriend interrupts and blurts out her version of the events ruining your story. This is an infuriating and demeaning habit that many women and some men have. I recently witnessed a wife interrupting her husband's story by yelling, "oh get to the point already". She then took over the story as he sat there most likely stuffing his resentment down. I felt sorry for him having to endure such an emasculating experience. If you have someone in your life that does this to you sit them down and put them straight. It is a damaging habit in any relationship. Ladies respect your man and let him have his moment of glory as he spins a yarn to his captive audience.

Borrowing

B-Daddy here, filling in for Tiger Lily.
Polonius, in the first act of Hamlet famously counsels his son Laertes:

Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

Polonius is talking about a specific kind of borrowing, I believe, that between friends. In my observation, his advice goes double for borrowing from relatives. The problem with borrowing outside the normal framework of legal obligation is that the borrowed money becomes the "elephant in the room," dominating the thinking of both borrower and lender, corroding their friendship.

For young men in a dating relationship this is sage advice as well. Borrowing money from one's lady friend makes you look unmanly, and gives rise to the suspicion that you are secretly a cad. A young man wants to both be and appear to be the model of manly virtue, living within his means and taking care of his obligations being high on the list of his moral qualities. You want your potential mate to view in this way, and frankly, you wouldn't want to marry a woman who did not care about these characteristics in her man.

The converse is also true, with more room for an occasional exception, perhaps. A woman who continuously seeks cash from her man prior to engagement will cause him to question the basis for the relationship. It is good for no one.

So remember Polonius' advice. If you are ever in a desperate jam and have to borrow from a friend, repayment should be you highest priority, skip your next meal if necessary. It is a way to be that exemplar that in your heart you desire to be.

A Picture of Romance?

B-Daddy here, guest blogging while Tiger Lily is traveling to the wastelands to our north, in Orange County. With Valentine's day coming up, she has given some great gift giving advice. I would like to add my own two cents. I believe that women look for romance in a relationship, because it shows that you care about the relationship and want to build shared experience and good feeling. It is not so much the beautiful sunset or walk in a beautiful garden itself, but the sharing of the experience that is important. This is probably well known to those already married, but even doing projects together can be romantic and build relationship. In fact, doing a project together glue the marriage like few other things, because the couple is working on something of lasting value to both of them.

Marriages have a division of labor, of necessity, so my advice to men is to seek out opportunities to work together on common goals. Believe it or not, it will kindle romance as much as those diamond earrings you have tucked away.

Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big

Sweat pops out on his head as he glances right and left looking for an avenue of escape. His heart rate increases and his hands slightly shake as he faces his girl. His truck has not been totaled and his flat screen is intact. His panic is caused by the dreaded question, do I look good in this dress. It can be pants, jeans, skirt or whatever. He knows if he says she looks good she will tell him he is lying and start pointing out all her flaws. If he says the dress makes her look heavy he is doomed. Men face this dilemma with shear panic. I guiltily admit to having done this to my man. I now laugh when he actually runs away after being asked if something looks good on me. I have no magic answer, just a suggestion. A good answer that gives you a fighting chance is this, "Honey you look good in everything but I have seen dresses that are more flattering on you." Good luck!

Good Guys Finish First

She is the most beautiful girl you have ever been out with. You dress up for her, you put on cologne, you spend as much time as possible with her. You find yourself actually thinking about marriage without a panic attack. This feminine, soft spoken Goddess takes you to heaven and then with tears in her eyes tells you she is going back to the jerk that treated her like sh_t. You wonder what this phenomenon is after you talk to other guys with similar stories. I can tell you from experience it's not your fault. There is no lack on your part, you are a handsome, tender, romantic guy. There is a syndrome that twenty something girls go through that is self-destructive and irrational. They cling to these bastards who are inconsiderate, not a gentleman and self-serving, in short, a user.

Don't become one of these guys, you are better than that. You will be the one she will cherish and love if you do take her back. If you do not, you will eventually find a girl that has been through this foolishness and will value all your good qualities. She will be thankful for you and never look sideways at the good looking bad boy that passes by. You want lasting love that is based on mutual respect; playing the bad boy role won't get that.